LESSON 1: POWER OF SPANX!

OK. SO HERE IS THE FIRST LESSON, (I'M JUST GOING TO TAKE A SEC AND SAY WOOHOO!) ALRIGHT, GOT THAT OVER WITH. NOW, THE FIRST THING THAT EVERY WOMAN WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT NINE TIMES OUT OF TEN, IS THE EVER PRESENT MUFFIN TOP. *SHUDDER* THIS UNFORTUNATELY IS THE FIRST THING YOU SEE WHEN SOMEONE IS WALKING UP TO YOU, SINCE THE TORSO SHOWS OFF TWO THINGS: YOUR BOOBS AND YOUR LEGS. SO, IF YOU HAVE FAT JIGGLING OVER THE WAIST OF YOUR PANTS, ODDS ARE YOU ARE GOING TO FEEL BAD, WHICH TRANSLATES TO LACK OF CONFIDENCE, THAT TRANSITIONS TO LACK OF SEXINESS. SO A TEMPORARY WAY TO FIX THE PROBLEM, IS TO GO AN GET YOURSELF SPANX. NOW, I AM IN NO WAY CONNECTED TO THE COMPANY, EXCEPT FOR BEING A COMPLETELY ENTHRALLED CUSTOMER. I WENT TO NORDSTROMS, AND WAS AMAZED TO SEE HOW MANY WOMEN WERE BUYING THEM. SO NATURALLY, BEING THE RESEARCH GEEK THAT I AM I LOOK IT UP, AND THE COMMENTS WERE PHENOMENAL. I WANTED TO MAKE SURE I GOT THE BEST DEAL. WITHIN MY RESEARCHING I FOUND THERE ARE TWO CATEGORIES OF SPANX: NYLON AND CONTROL. IT TURNS OUT NYLON IS GOOD FOR ABOUT 5 TRIES AND LOSSES IT ELASTICITY AFTER THAT. SO I RECOMMEND THE CONTROL FOR EVERY DAY AND THE NYLON FOR GOING OUT (SINCE IT HAS STOCKINGS AND ECT.) THE CONTROL MOLDS EVERYTHING, SUCKS, AND LIFTS, SO IT LITERALLY MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOUR AT LEAST 1 SIZE SMALLER. SO NOW YOU ARE PROBABLY ASKING YOURSELF WHY I AM GOIN GONE ABOUT THIS? WELL HERE'S THE DEAL. IF YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT YOURSELF, AND NOT PROUD OF YOUR BODY, YOU ARE GOING TO KEEP SPREADING THAT NEGATIVE ENERGY TO PEOPLE YOU MEET. SO SPANX IS A TEMPORARY FIX THAT MAKES YOU FEEL AND LOOK THAT MUCH BETTER. IN MY EXPERIENCE, WHEN I LOOK EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD, I TAKE MORE TIME ON MAKE-UP, HAIR, AND ACCESSORIES, WHICH MAKES ME FEEL EVEN BETTER, WHICH MAKES PEOPLE QUOTING ONE REPUBLIC "STOP & STARE".

STORY OF MY LIFE

ALRIGHT, I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN KNOWN AS THE SHY QUIET GIRL, AND SO NO ONE WANTED TO TALK TO ME. I WAS OK WITH THIS AT FIRST, I MEAN COME ON... I HAD THE SOCIAL SKILLS OF AN AUTISTIC TURTLE, AND THEN AS I GREW UP, I STARTED TO CRAVE BEING NORMAL.... POPULAR. BUT BY THAT TIME, EVERYONE HAD ALREADY JOINED THEIR CLIQUES, AND WANTED NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SOCIALLY AWKWARD NERDY GIRL. SO I ENDED UP WITH THE OUTCASTS.... HUGE MISTAKE! DON'T GET ME WRONG, THEY WERE NICE AND EVERYTHING, BUT FOR TEENAGERS THEY KNEW WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT POKEMON FOR MY LIKING. NOW I AM IN MY SENIOR YEAR, AND I HAVE 5 MONTHS TO TURN MY LIFE AROUND TO THE WAY I WANT IT. I DON'T WANT TO END UP LOOKING BACK AND SAYING... "GEE, HIGH SCHOOL SUCKED....( WELL I WOULDN'T USE GEE, SINCE WE AREN'T IN THE 40'S BUT YOU GET THE IDEA) HOW AM I EVER GOING TO EXPLAIN THIS TO MY DAUGHTER? THE PERSON WHO IS SUPPOSED TO LOOK UP TO YOU? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO TELL HER I WAS A NERD?". SO, THATS THE SHORT VERSION, AND IF YOU WANT THE WHOLE NASTY BUSINESS, WELL THEN SUCKS FOR YOU, CUZ THATS ALL YOU ARE GOING TO GET. I HAVE HAD 4 YEARS OF OBSERVING AND WATCHING EVERY CHICK FLICK AND READ EVER SELF-HELP BOOK KNOWN TO MAN, SO I AM CONFIDENT THAT I HAVE THE INFORMATION TO CREATE THE LIFE I WANT. EVERY DAY I'LL WRITE A NEW LESSON ON HOW TO IMPROVE YOURSELF, (WHICH I HAVE ALREADY IMPLEMENTED AND RATED IN ACCURACY) WHICH OF COURSE YOU CAN MOLD TO FIT YOUR OWN PERSONALITY. I AM GOING TO CHANGE THIS AROUND... AND WITH EVERY POST, HOPEFULLY SOME OTHER LONELY GIRL WILL HAVE A GUIDE, RATHER THAN STUMBLE THROUGH.